[That gets a snort, and blue-green eyes turning to watch her warily. Studying her, assessing... Loki is withdrawn, but he's...not lashing out. Not yet. He does not want to be hurt again, but he also doesn't want to hurt them first, so to speak.]
I'm not the kind that usually has mobs come after me with pitchforks and torches. It's subtler and yet more cutting, how the mob usually reacts to me.
[Gamora stares at him thoughtfully. She wonders if he is worried she is trying such a thing now. She's always prided herself on being straightforward since her escape. Some things are worth saying aloud.] Alice dismissed the only thing I could hold against you.
[So she isn't really here to fight. Gamora adds:] Let them come if they have an issue with your past. You're not alone.
[A reminder she thinks they both need at the moment.]
[Because he hadn't seen that Gamora. He'd seen the profile pop up, and then thrown his phone at the wall. There was a bit more disarray in his room than usual, along with that device, still. Blue-green eyes had widened though with her words.
Another moment or two and then he sighed.]
So I've been told before, and yet I've always ended up so.
[He's not necessarily fighting her. Just stating it as a fact.]
She did. She likes your nickname. [Gamora doesn't apologize for spying. It's for the good of the girl they love. She takes the rest of what he says to hurt, nodding to herself to concede his point.]
Then I promise you nothing. I am here now. Do you welcome the company or would you prefer to brood on what none of us can change?
[Loki doesn't expect Gamora to not have spied. The posts are public unless one makes a ridiculous effort to try and make them private. He breathes out a sigh of relief though, that Alice is not upset.]
I honestly did not really know I could care for others, as I've come to here. Alice makes it very easy, as a delightful and wonderful child. I'm honored to be her papa while we're here.
[All kind of in a ramble there. Gamora had hopefully observed them enough to see that yes, Loki truly did care for Alice.
To her other question though, Loki wasn't certain of his answer. He wasn't lashing out ahead of being attacked himself, seeking to protect himself from harm that way. That was progress, yes? But while he was withdrawing, and prepared to withdraw further...he was tired of being alone.]
I don't know that I welcome the company--as right now I'm feeling a great many conflicting things. And trying to not give in to old habits. But I accept and would not mind yours.
[A pause, before he added with a wry smile.]
Should Alice ask, I'll answer her questions. I won't lie, or make things seem less than they were.
I understand. Meeting Alice likely saved my life. She was hope when all I felt was the crippling weight of my failure. It is easy to imagine why you could grow to love her. You are more than your mistakes, Loki.
[Gamora argues gently. Count on Gamora to think of being kidnapped by her abuser and murdered as a personal failing. As for the rest? She can only nod in approval. While she guards her past like the dragon daughter she still misses, he can be free with his. She wouldn't discourage Loki from it.]
Be as honest as you can. She endured so much before either of us arrived here. She can handle more than I suspect either of us can imagine.
Having been with her in the Mirror-world, I know she can.
[Murmured softly, but he knew Gamora would hear. And he was so proud of Alice--facing the danger even though it was scary. It was also why he wouldn't let her go alone, whether it was her fate or not.]
I've always been judged harshly for my mistakes. Whether it was also fairly or not, it's always been harshly. I...am hoping here will be different. It's been different than anywhere else so far.
[A pause, and one leg brought up so he could rest on his bent knee.]
My normal response, at this point--is to lash out. Hurt others before I can be hurt again. Or hurt for the first time. Also to withdraw. But I don't want to do the first, so...am trying the latter for now. My device is up in my room where it fell after it hit the wall.
For what it's worth, I believe the judgment here has been reasonable. The Doctor's crimes were exposed once. No one turned against him to my knowledge.
[For better or worse. She knows it's easier for her to say. No one knows she was the favorite killer of a maniac. She isn't advertising it. Gamora does empathize with him. She tries as best she can to talk him through this while standing like the statue she is, propped against the doorway.] I understand that. When I first came to the Guardians, it was how I dealt with things. I was violent and angry. It was all I knew how to be.
[Only Groot inspired any softness initially. Peter and the others came with time.] I changed. You will too far more easily than me if you wish to. There is no shame in taking time before seeing their reactions.
It is time I need, if for no other reason to control myself. To avoid giving into old habits and patterns. Especially as I've...never really had people I've cared much for before. Not the way I do here. [It had always been more complicated, in the past. Especially with his family.
He sighed, then shot her a wry smile. Amusement in blue-green eyes, even if it was also tired and wary.]
I appreciate you not coming to lead the charge against me.
[She doesn't argue his truth. Thor came off as a good man during their time together. His mother has been spoken of with great love and respect. She knows families can hurt each other regardless of how good or bad the individuals in it are. Gamora has zero interest in trying to undermine what he is saying.] It is the least I can do. You've done right by Alice. You have been a good friend to me. I am long past the days when I betray those I care for to survive.
[At this point, she would only do it for Alice. Considering how much they love the girl, he'd probably give her tips on how to do it more effectively to keep her safe.]
[Loki found it slightly ironic that she were now not quite being therapist to him. But it wasn't unwelcome, as he'd have argued with her if she tried to do argue herself.]
I've no desire to betray those I care about. Even when I seemed to betray Thor to Thanos, it was meant as a ruse to attempt to get close to kill him. I had worded it such that I hope Thor had picked up on it.
[And then Loki had failed anyways.]
It wasn't a bad attempt, but Thanos stopped my knife before it could get to his throat.
[There is empathy and pride in her gaze. It was the correct way to handle the situation. It's sad to hear he failed even knowing that is the likely outcome. It explains a lot about how Thor conducted himself. She doesn't have to imagine the guilt he must feel given her relationship to Nebula.] For what it's worth, he made me go through an altered reality where I did kill him just to see how I would react to that. He was very pleased with my response.
[She doesn't bother hiding her disgust with him and herself. Gamora quickly shifts the focus back to Loki.] You did the best you could. That is all any of us can do when he is the opponent we are facing.
I could've done better. I could've left the tesseract to be destroyed along with Asgard.
[Yes, Loki regret that. Thanos might have come for them anyways, or for him at least, but he might not have found them so soon. Or slaughtered half their people, if Loki was able to get away.]
He's not a God, and he can be defeated. I just...if I'd had more time. I know what the heroes of Earth are capable of, what Thor is capable of. When they all work together.
[Bringing his knees up, to loop his arms around them. It seems that this is stirring up a lot of feelings in him.]
[It's tempting to be angry with him for not doing exactly that. It may have spared her life along with half the galaxy. Gamora has been killed by her abuser. She's long past the anger stage in her death. The what-ifs have never haunted her the way they did her Terran lover. They made mistakes and now they are dead for them. It's as simple as that.
She nods slowly, knowing her trauma clouds her mind. If Thanos had not held her prisoner for years, she would clearly see how to kill him. Alas, that isn't the case.]
I know what the Guardians are capable of. We slayed a celestial being together. Two of them are with your brother. [She leaves unsaid they will do better without her trauma holding them back.] They will win between the two. The Terrans delayed him once. My death will give my team all the motivation they need to do so with prejudice. Right now we can only imagine it.
[It was helpful, and nothing more than he knew about the hero types. It hadn't been the core though, as Thanos was only part of the symptoms. It was Loki regretting and feeling guilty over his actions. Even though he'd tried to make amends, to fix things, it still often came out wrong.]
That still leaves us, stuck here unless our wishes really can be granted. Or rather mine, as you're content to stay dead so long as he is.
[Loki knew that might hurt. Would sting. He hadn't stopped the words anyways as this boundary was pushed at. How could she stay his friend? Truly.]
[The look Gamora gives is hard and withering. He is trying to get a rise out of her. If Peter had said this, it would have worked. She can see the game here and refuses to play it.] Not all of us can be so clear-headed when our abuser abducts us again and finally murders us to gain the power to murder half the galaxy. I cannot go back and change it.
[Outwardly, Loki met that look with his own hard mask, offering no quarter nor hint of it affecting him. Inwardly was another story, as he tried to remind himself that Gamora had proven herself to be a friend. He really didn't want to hurt her.]
In theory, you could--just as I could, if we get our wishes and aren't just stuck in this place as some kind of alternative to the afterlife.
[Shot back just as evenly, almost an instinctual response before Loki shook his head, and turned away.]
...lashing out at you gets me nowhere. I'm sorry.
[Ever mercurial, though as of late his moods had been far more stable. She was not his enemy, and if he were to fight and hurt, he wanted it to matter. To be at the rightful target.]
[Gamora exhales audibly. She can practically hear Nebula right now. She'd remind her that Gamora always wanted to win. Is she pleased with herself? No, anything but. She closes the distance between them, tentatively reaching out to touch his arm.]
I am sorry too. I know my actions will hurt my family deeply. I do regret allowing Thanos to bring me so low that ending my life became the ideal scenario. I could have wished for anything and instead allowed his poison to warp my mind one last time. You are my friend and I am yours. I am sorry that knowing how low being near him brings me has harmed you. If I ever get the chance to set it right, I will for my family, friends, and me. You have reminded me I deserve better than to be another corpse at his feet. I am grateful for that.
[That had not been what Loki was expecting. He looked at her hand, but when she was done speaking, he placed his own over hers.]
You deserve better, than to be a corpse or a living dead woman. You're far stronger than he is, and far better. Seems only right you should fight for that, in my eyes.
[Then more softly.]
Thank you. Before here, I've never actually had friends of my own.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2024-03-14 03:22 am (UTC)I'm not the kind that usually has mobs come after me with pitchforks and torches. It's subtler and yet more cutting, how the mob usually reacts to me.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-17 02:50 am (UTC)[So she isn't really here to fight. Gamora adds:] Let them come if they have an issue with your past. You're not alone.
[A reminder she thinks they both need at the moment.]
no subject
Date: 2024-03-17 03:31 am (UTC)[Because he hadn't seen that Gamora. He'd seen the profile pop up, and then thrown his phone at the wall. There was a bit more disarray in his room than usual, along with that device, still. Blue-green eyes had widened though with her words.
Another moment or two and then he sighed.]
So I've been told before, and yet I've always ended up so.
[He's not necessarily fighting her. Just stating it as a fact.]
no subject
Date: 2024-03-18 02:49 am (UTC)Then I promise you nothing. I am here now. Do you welcome the company or would you prefer to brood on what none of us can change?
[No judgment. Just curious.]
no subject
Date: 2024-03-18 08:38 pm (UTC)I honestly did not really know I could care for others, as I've come to here. Alice makes it very easy, as a delightful and wonderful child. I'm honored to be her papa while we're here.
[All kind of in a ramble there. Gamora had hopefully observed them enough to see that yes, Loki truly did care for Alice.
To her other question though, Loki wasn't certain of his answer. He wasn't lashing out ahead of being attacked himself, seeking to protect himself from harm that way. That was progress, yes? But while he was withdrawing, and prepared to withdraw further...he was tired of being alone.]
I don't know that I welcome the company--as right now I'm feeling a great many conflicting things. And trying to not give in to old habits. But I accept and would not mind yours.
[A pause, before he added with a wry smile.]
Should Alice ask, I'll answer her questions. I won't lie, or make things seem less than they were.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-19 12:17 am (UTC)[Gamora argues gently. Count on Gamora to think of being kidnapped by her abuser and murdered as a personal failing. As for the rest? She can only nod in approval. While she guards her past like the dragon daughter she still misses, he can be free with his. She wouldn't discourage Loki from it.]
Be as honest as you can. She endured so much before either of us arrived here. She can handle more than I suspect either of us can imagine.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-19 12:22 am (UTC)[Murmured softly, but he knew Gamora would hear. And he was so proud of Alice--facing the danger even though it was scary. It was also why he wouldn't let her go alone, whether it was her fate or not.]
I've always been judged harshly for my mistakes. Whether it was also fairly or not, it's always been harshly. I...am hoping here will be different. It's been different than anywhere else so far.
[A pause, and one leg brought up so he could rest on his bent knee.]
My normal response, at this point--is to lash out. Hurt others before I can be hurt again. Or hurt for the first time. Also to withdraw. But I don't want to do the first, so...am trying the latter for now. My device is up in my room where it fell after it hit the wall.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-21 12:29 am (UTC)[For better or worse. She knows it's easier for her to say. No one knows she was the favorite killer of a maniac. She isn't advertising it. Gamora does empathize with him. She tries as best she can to talk him through this while standing like the statue she is, propped against the doorway.] I understand that. When I first came to the Guardians, it was how I dealt with things. I was violent and angry. It was all I knew how to be.
[Only Groot inspired any softness initially. Peter and the others came with time.] I changed. You will too far more easily than me if you wish to. There is no shame in taking time before seeing their reactions.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-21 01:02 am (UTC)He sighed, then shot her a wry smile. Amusement in blue-green eyes, even if it was also tired and wary.]
I appreciate you not coming to lead the charge against me.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-24 05:02 pm (UTC)[At this point, she would only do it for Alice. Considering how much they love the girl, he'd probably give her tips on how to do it more effectively to keep her safe.]
no subject
Date: 2024-03-29 01:06 am (UTC)I've no desire to betray those I care about. Even when I seemed to betray Thor to Thanos, it was meant as a ruse to attempt to get close to kill him. I had worded it such that I hope Thor had picked up on it.
[And then Loki had failed anyways.]
It wasn't a bad attempt, but Thanos stopped my knife before it could get to his throat.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-29 09:49 pm (UTC)[She doesn't bother hiding her disgust with him and herself. Gamora quickly shifts the focus back to Loki.] You did the best you could. That is all any of us can do when he is the opponent we are facing.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-29 11:07 pm (UTC)[Yes, Loki regret that. Thanos might have come for them anyways, or for him at least, but he might not have found them so soon. Or slaughtered half their people, if Loki was able to get away.]
He's not a God, and he can be defeated. I just...if I'd had more time. I know what the heroes of Earth are capable of, what Thor is capable of. When they all work together.
[Bringing his knees up, to loop his arms around them. It seems that this is stirring up a lot of feelings in him.]
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 01:19 am (UTC)She nods slowly, knowing her trauma clouds her mind. If Thanos had not held her prisoner for years, she would clearly see how to kill him. Alas, that isn't the case.]
I know what the Guardians are capable of. We slayed a celestial being together. Two of them are with your brother. [She leaves unsaid they will do better without her trauma holding them back.] They will win between the two. The Terrans delayed him once. My death will give my team all the motivation they need to do so with prejudice. Right now we can only imagine it.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 08:46 pm (UTC)That still leaves us, stuck here unless our wishes really can be granted. Or rather mine, as you're content to stay dead so long as he is.
[Loki knew that might hurt. Would sting. He hadn't stopped the words anyways as this boundary was pushed at. How could she stay his friend? Truly.]
no subject
Date: 2024-04-06 10:25 pm (UTC)[It's cool and brutally honest.]
no subject
Date: 2024-04-10 05:28 pm (UTC)In theory, you could--just as I could, if we get our wishes and aren't just stuck in this place as some kind of alternative to the afterlife.
[Shot back just as evenly, almost an instinctual response before Loki shook his head, and turned away.]
...lashing out at you gets me nowhere. I'm sorry.
[Ever mercurial, though as of late his moods had been far more stable. She was not his enemy, and if he were to fight and hurt, he wanted it to matter. To be at the rightful target.]
cw: mentions of suicidal ideation
Date: 2024-04-13 11:59 pm (UTC)I am sorry too. I know my actions will hurt my family deeply. I do regret allowing Thanos to bring me so low that ending my life became the ideal scenario. I could have wished for anything and instead allowed his poison to warp my mind one last time. You are my friend and I am yours. I am sorry that knowing how low being near him brings me has harmed you. If I ever get the chance to set it right, I will for my family, friends, and me. You have reminded me I deserve better than to be another corpse at his feet. I am grateful for that.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-28 06:36 pm (UTC)You deserve better, than to be a corpse or a living dead woman. You're far stronger than he is, and far better. Seems only right you should fight for that, in my eyes.
[Then more softly.]
Thank you. Before here, I've never actually had friends of my own.